Lotta at work

Monday
31
August
1998

Stockholm, 31 August 1998 19:17
Catching up with mail
Back in business, so to speak.. Lots of new projects to deal with. Though this time I feel unusually confident about mastering them. :)

Man with snake at Notting Hill Carneval

Strangely enough I am not very tired after yesterday, which was one long struggle - of carrying _very_ heavy bags, waiting at the airport for hours etc. Though in the morning I went to the Tate, which was nice and just what I needed before heading off to the Notting Hill Carneval for an hour or so - _before_ going back to the hotel to get my bags. :)

So much mail to catch up with. I wasn't able to check my mail in London, and now the mailboxes are full of more or less interesting stuff. Especially the new mailing list Tjejringslistan seems very fruitful. Though I switched my subscription to digest it is too much to catch up with. Most of it is good stuff, though, unlike Trafik where you get a lot of trash between the treasures.

Right now the leader of the Swedish Center party, Lennart Daléus, is sitting at the desk next to mine, chatting to Aftonbladet's online users. It is always nice to see how those people that you usually see only on the tv news look like in real life. They are a lot more human then... ;-)

/Lotta

Lotta's mood-o-meter says:
6
back at work

Saturday
29
August
1998

London, 29 August 1998 22:00
Market day
Coming home from this morning's shopping spree, I lay down on the bed like a bag of rice. Big, heavy, motionless, numb.. close to unconscious. My mind literally stopped working, or at least lost all power over my body. I was feeling a little cold, but there was just no way to persuade my hand to reach out for the blanket.

I started out early this morning for Portobello, and I was there even before some of the stall holders. Looked at some nice antiques, but couldn't afford the things I liked. Besides, they were too big and heavy. Then I found this great book stall, where a lady was selling books that she had probably got from someone who works at Heathrow airport, because several of them had little stickers saying that they had been turned in at the Heathrow lost and found. Obviously (well, hopefully) no one had asked for them... She sold hardcovers for just two pounds each, and she had many fairly new books, like Midnight in the garden of good and evil and a few other bestsellers. I bought four of the two pound books, and also Fodor's '98 guide to Great Britain for just 50 p!
  At Portobello Road I fell in love with India. Suddenly, and quite unexpectedly, I realized that was what I was doing. Because almost all the things I liked were Indian - lovely wooden carved animals, boxes and other wooden things, metal figures, beautiful cloths, rugs and clothes.. I even heard one of the songs V had played for me in the US and smiled. I hope he sends me the tape I asked him to copy for me. :)
  Continued down the road to find a store where Alex wanted me to buy some cake decoration things for her. The place is called Chequer's, and when I reached it (right at the end of the market) it wasn't open yet. So I walked into the next door antiquarian. Shouldn't have done that... I ended up spending 25 quid there (which should have been 30 if I hadn't managed to get a little discount for buying so many books).
  Then off to Chequer's carrying two heavy plastic bags full of books. Bought Alex's things, and walked all the way back to catch the 94 to go back to the hotel to dump my bags before heading for Camden Market. On my way to Camden, I first took Central line to Tottenham Court Rd to change for Northern. But Northern line was out of order, so I had no choice but to go all the way to Notting Hill Gate to catch the bus.
  Finally reached Camden - vibrating, crowded, smiling, insense smelling, hippie, happy Camden - and joined the flow of people, knowing where to look for my favourite stalls, but being in no hurry I walked all around the area. One nice surprize - the artist who makes such funny little ”sculptures” of rats, dogs, cows etc from pipes and ordinary everyday items has finally installed himself in a new stall. Not upstairs like a few years back when I first saw his stuff at Camden, but on the ground floor, close to the Camden Lock entrance. The prices were a little too high for me today, having spent so much money on books, but it was fun just having a look.
  I ended up buying some little things in an African store, some magazines for Alex and a slice of pizza for lunch.

When I got back - when I finally regained power over my body - I listened to Allen Ginsberg reading Howl. The CD, which I bought at Virgin Megastore yesterday, was recorded at the Big Table Reading at the Shaw Festival, Chicago, in 1959. Besides Howl there are nine other poems on the CD. Great stuff!

/Lotta

Lotta's mood-o-meter says:
7
”met Allen Ginsberg in a hotel room near Marble Arch”

Friday
28
August
1998

London, 28 August 1998 23:56
Whoooee-aaa!!
Did I write no shopping?! Ahh, was I kidding myself! :) Just spent 68 pounds at Virgin Megastore, and it's not even my favourite record store in London. Feels nice, though, paying with Visa. You don't notice the money going away.
  Had my dinner at a Deep Pan Pizza Co restaurant, where I sat reading my Kerouac and drinking Scrumpy Jack. Not a lot, just enough to start me off thinking Great Thoughts about Life and the World... ;-)
  - For am I not the Teller of Truths, Eternal Visdoms and Profound Insights? Sure, why not! :)
  And just enough to go out in the street smiling at everyone, once again in love with London and the thought of being here.
  And, since I am still in that mood.. why don't I switch on my brain for a while and set the filters open wide. For a change.

Remind me to find out more about Rimbaud. Now to me he's just one of those names that keeps popping up, but I feel I might like him if I start reading some of his stuff. At least he has been mentioned enough in books I like to make me think so.
  I wish to sleep without dreams tonight, even though they might be bright. Just sleep and wake up onto the new day fully satisfied, rested and relaxed, and ready to Explore.

Oh water dancer, sweet romancer.. dance my night away. Through dreams and nightmares, lights and art fairs, bring your sweet parade. Bring the torches, bring the sourcerers, bring the veils of night. Bring the darkness, take out the harshness of the daily light. Invite me to your lake of laughter, sunny bright and gay.. and let me dance as well in moonlight.. dance the night away.

Just got to page 250 in Desolation Angels, where K. writes:

”In many ways,” he says, ”there's a great resemblance between the dope fiend so called and the artist so called, they like to be alone and comfortable provided they have what they want-- They dont go mad running around looking for things to do 'cause they got it all inside, they can sit for hours without movin. They're sensitive, so called, and dont turn away from the study of good books...”

Glad as I am being on the side that I am of that border, I still feel attracted to the allies on the other side. And this is something that so many people find so hard to understand. Guess their minds aren't open enough. Or maybe I'm just one sick bastard. :-) Who cares - it doesn't really matter which.
Just as pain has never been an enemy of mine, neither has insanity. What the world defines as insane usually just displays the world's limits of vision. It is so easy to discard something as abnormal just because you don't know how to deal with it. Just because it doesn't fit in to any of the patterns of life that you are familiar with. Just because you would have to redefine your world - and thereby think by yourself - if you were to be open to it. It is so easy to choose the easy way - to follow the definitions of the world, to limit yourself. And it is also fully understandable.. but if you do, what would happen if you ever started thinking about the possibility that this might be exactly what you're doing? Could you live with that, or would you change?

London, 28 August 1998 19:15
My feet _weren't_ made for walking
Phew.. London really tires you out! Not mentally, of course.. but my body can only take so much of walking, going down escalators in tube stations, jumping on buses.. It was the final day of the course today, so we quit at 15:00, after which I went to King's Road, Ken Market, Notting Hill Gate (my old neighbourhood, or at least it seems so. No visit to London is complete without at least stopping by there) and Queensway. I haven't really had any dinner, but now I feel so sleepy that I don't know if I'm up to going out again at all. Besides, Top of the Pops is on on the telly. Ahh.. England!! :)

The course has been good. The days have been a bit too long, though. Especially yesterday, when everyone were pretty tired after having gone out together the night before. Vignette Europe treated us all to the City Vaults for a beer or a glass of wine, and from there a few of us continued on to Covent Garden, where we had dinner at a nice italian/international restaurant.

Hmm.. no. 1 of Top of the Pops is.. Boyzone. Actually, that song isn't half bad. At least parts of the lyrics.. like:

No matter what they tell you
No matter what they do
No matter what they teach you
What you believe is true
---
I can't deny what I believe
I can't be what I'm not
I know this love's for ever
That's all that matters now no matter what

I haven't done that much shopping. Everything is so expensive here. And besides, I shopped enough for this entire year in the US. ;) What I have bought is a few books, of course. Can't keep away from _that_. :)
Well.. I guess I'll get out into the hustle and bustle of Oxford Street again after all. I'm starting to get hungry.
Later,

/Lotta

Lotta's mood-o-meter says:
6
so.. so tired (19:15)
”Got a lust for life..” (23:56)

Tuesday
25
August
1998

London, 25 August 1998 23:22
First day - and a nice evening
Ahh.. yes, how could I possibly be unhappy in London? :) ...Just seing the people, the stores, the big red doubledeckers... it makes me wonder why I haven't come here for almost two years. There is something about London, something in the air, a wonderfull kind of freedom not experienced anywhere else (the closest I've come to it was a few weeks ago in San Fransisco).

The course seems ok. A bit of an unlucky start for Phil, who's leading the course, because there was some misunderstanding in the morning so we all sat and waited downstairs and he was sitting waiting upstairs for us to come up. And then there were some problems with overload on the server - Vignette had never had this big a class taking the course before. But on the whole, it's good. Some bits of it are really basic, but the labs are a nice way of learning by doing. And sometimes I don't understand at all - when Phil uses too much programming/database vocabulary.

After the course I went straight back to the hotel, where half an hour later I met P, jd and Naina, and then later, at Gloucester Rd, also P's husband Prasad whom I hadn't met before. It was great to see them and especially nice to spend some time with these wonderful people on the first evening - I will have quite enough time on my own later.
We went to an Indian restaurant where the waiter got quite irritaded with us (though he did his best to hide it) because we couldn't decide on what to order. I finally took an avocado prawn starter, the Tandoori chicken, special fried rice, nan and ahh.. a nice Guinness to drink. When in London... :)

/Lotta

London, 25 August 1998 06:43
Early morning Marble Arch
Arrived yesterday evening after a diseventful flight from Arlanda airport (where I bumped into Greven who was on his way to Sicily!). Naturally I was rather tired after first having worked almost all day, then going by subway and airport coach to Arlanda, sitting there waiting for quite some time, then flying, and finally going by tube (three changes) to the hotel.
But the people and the machines on the street outside the Radisson Royal Court didn't care. :( So I haven't slept much. Anyway, now I'm off for breakfast.

/Lotta

Lotta's mood-o-meter says:
6
London, such a wonderful place! :)

Sunday
23
August
1998

Lidingö, 23 August 1998 17:38
Getting ready to go.. once more
Finally started packing. I've been putting it off in favour for other things all day, but now that I've started I realize there isn't that much to pack. :)
Yes, I'm off to London tomorrow. It's with mixed emotions I go, because things aren't as simple as I sometimes wish they could be. Or rather, sometimes I wish that _I_ could be a person of very simple thought. To be happy with little things, to find joy in the beauty of everyday life, and not to think too much.. to worry too much.. about the future.

Yesterday on the bus we passed by a family of six - a mother, a father, two daughters and two sons. The little girls were all dressed up in beautiful pink and white dresses. The younger one was sitting in a pram with a long lash doll in her lap, carressing it and rocking it back and forth, and the other one was pushing a doll's pram in front of her. The boys, in jeans and t-shirts, were shooting at each other with little toy guns, and also aiming at the people in the bus. It was probably because of the mood I was already in, but the whole scene made me feel so depressed.

Still.. the world is a wonderful place.. Strange and miraculous things happen every day. People reach out, and their hands touch the hands of other people reaching out. Little flowers bloom in the middle of a highly trafficed road. A smile on the face of a stranger lights smiles on the faces of other strangers passing by. There is music and laughter in the world. There is joy and sunshine.
Too bad I don't feel I am a part of it.

Someone sent me a beautiful poem, and it gave me hope. And fear. What if, when I finally pick up the brush.. it all turns out to be just an ordinary painting.. without even a single quality that could make it a Masterpiece?

We are born into the World
Like a blank canvas
And each person that crosses our path
Takes up the brush
And makes his mark
Upon our surface
So it is that we develop
But we must realize there comes a day
That we must take up the brush
And finish the work
For only we can determine
If we are to be
Just another painting
Or a Masterpiece

(by Javan)

/Lotta

Lotta's mood-o-meter says:
2
yup, still down there

Thursday
20
August
1998

Stockholm, 20 August 1998 18:25
Typical.. never able to decide on anything
Hmm.. I should have guessed! My old JMK class was planning to meet today over a beer, but as usual one person after the other cancelled. I though it was ok to meet just a few people, but now the whole thing's cancelled until we can settle on another date. Ahrgh! What's wrong with people!? If we say a date in about two weeks, we should be able to book that and then say no to _other_ things coming up. But no... :-\
So I won't be going out today. Guess it's ok since I have a lot of things to do before I'm off to London on Monday. Got the tickets and everything today, so now I'll just have to find the time to go and exchange some crowns into GBP:s. :-)
These things aside.. I am not very happy right now. So be nice... please.

/Lotta

Lotta's mood-o-meter says:
2
don't ask

Tuesday
18
August
1998

Stockholm, 18 August 1998 21:21
Boinking...
Had a most unusual experience yesterday. Met a mail friend IRL for the first time, and we immediately connected on a level that I don't share even with with many of my closest friends. D and I went to Hannas for dinner, talked away, and then continued to Stockholms glasshus where we stayed 'til closing time. It turns out we have a lot in common, both in the ways in which we think about writing and the experiences we have had in our lives, and we were able to cut past most of the usual defences people put up when meeting other people for the first time. Looks like I've made a new friend. :-)
I finally updated my London pages - now that I'm going to London again I tried to check out some of the sites I had links to, and found that only about half of them worked. Hey, you people! Tell me! I'll be more than happy to fix any broken link you might find on my site.. but please, please... let me know if you find them. I can't guess.

/Lotta

Lotta's mood-o-meter says:
6
long day

Monday
17
August
1998

Stockholm, 17 August 1998 16:39
Last week in review..
Ooops.. behind in my diary updates. So, what's happened? Hmm.. not much. Almost missed the entire Stockholm Water Festival this year. Went to only two concerts - Björk and Rebecka Törnqvist. And on both occasions it was raining. For the Björk concert Bella and I had decided to meet early so as to be sure to be admitted. We met at 19:30 and spent two and a half hours waiting under a leaking plastic tent roof backstage. If we would have turned up at 21:30 we would probably have seen just about as much... The concert was ok. I like Björk, but maybe she was just a little bit detached from the audience. At least in the beginning of the concert.
  What else? Oh, yes.. at work I am moving to the 'geek corner' of my office - that is I get to sit closer to the programmers, since I will be working with the production system. And guess what! I will be going to London on a four-day course, to learn how to make Story-Server templates. So great! And since the course is Tuesday-Friday I am staying on until Sunday and will have two days on my own in London. :)
  Unfortunately P, who is presently in the UK, won't be there then. She phoned me today from Cambridge saying she will probably return there on the 30th, which might mean that I'll miss her. Well, hopefully we will be able to get together in either London or Stockholm before she goes back to the US.
  Last Friday I went out with Soung-Ho and Örjan. We had a good time. I had the same feeling with Soung-Ho as I had with Örjan when I met him for the first time in years about a year ago - and with Soung-Ho it was even longer since we talked - that it was just as if we had seen eachother a week ago. Some life updates were required of course, but apart from that we just chatted along as if we'd never interrupted our friendship. And that's nice.

/Lotta

Lotta's mood-o-meter says:
7
*still high on the idea of going to London*

Monday
10
August
1998

Stockholm, 10 August 1998 20:35
First day at work
Guess all good things will have an end, and so had my vacation. I'm back to work, trying to get a grip of the new publishing system. It looks like I won't get to learn Oracle, which puts me in a position where I am not in control of my work. This I don't like. I will be making template pages, but as soon as I will need some heavier feature I will have to ask the webmaster to do it. Hmm... >:-[
Now I am staying at work for a while to scan some of the US pictures. The scanner isn't very good though - it changes the colours and makes the pictures either too dark or extremely bright. And I can't use the neg scanner because I haven't got the negatives yet.
Anyway, it will take me some time to get these photos on the web - I still have the Jämtland photo section to complete and publish. Bare with me! ;-)

/Lotta

Lotta's mood-o-meter says:
6
hungry

Friday
7
August
1998

Lidingö, 7 August 1998 13:05
Home sweet (?) home...
Yes. I'm back in Sweden. The flights were smooth. No delays, no turbulence. Did my tax free shopping in Amsterdam - I bought a small bottle of whiskey, a small bottle of gin and a perfume.
Mother met me at Arlanda which was very nice and unexpected. In the evening Alex came over, and we looked at the mess in the living room, where I had spread my piles of clothes and stuff all over. I had bought much more than I remembered.

Today is mother's birthday, and though I hadn't found any big present for her I did give her a lot of small things from the US, and she seemed to like them. We won't have any guests today - mother thought it was better to postpone that until tomorrow. But she is still busy cooking and preparing things. I will help her some, too.

It feels so strange to be back home. I will miss Pittsburg. But on Monday I am back to work and I guess that will engulf me in its usual manner so that I won't have that much time to think about it.

/Lotta

Lotta's mood-o-meter says:
6
turning my head to the future

Monday
3
August
1998

Pittsburg, 3 August 1998 19:49
Stomach pains and weakness
I've been having problems with my stomach ever since I got to the States, to and fro. Today it got worse and I have spent most of the day sleeping, trying to get better and stronger. Without much luck. Though I do feel a little better.
  Michael McKee stopped by for a talk, on his way from the private airport where he had met some senator. He said he had been coming to the house several times but without any luck. I would have liked to invite him over for dinner, but things being the way they are I don't see how we could fit it in. :-\
  Yesterday, I went to Kansas City once more. Sat was giving a couple of girls a lift to the airport, and then he took me shopping. I was searching for a nice leather hand bag for mother, but ended up buying a small black handbag for myself. Yes, that's my ego... But I think it would have been worse if I bought mother an expensive handbag that I wasn't certain that she would like, because then she might feel she'd have to use it just because we can't return it. So.. I guess I will have to try and find a birthday present for her in Sweden, if I can't find anything at the airport.
  Anyway, we had some Greek Gyros for lunch and then a nice Baskin Robbins ice cream. I was feeling a bit tired, having had trouble sleeping the night before, so I'm afraid I wasn't very good company.

Only one day remains of my stay here in Pittsburg. I will be sad to leave, but also excited to get back to the rest of my life that I left behind in Sweden. And I know that V is only a phonecall or a mail away.

Got a mail from mother saying Mirre is missing. I do hope she has come back by now and that she's ok. I'll give mother a call in the morning.

/Lotta

Lotta's mood-o-meter says:
6
weak

Saturday
1
August
1998

Pittsburg, 1 August 1998 16:07
Back
We returned to Pittsburg yesterday after having spent six extra hours on the train. This was due to thunderstorms and floods - the train stood still for what seemed like ages. Rumours told us that we waited for a tornado to pass by, so that we wouldn't drive straight into it. Sat who was going to pick us up in Kansas City had got up early in the morning and driven to KC, only to find out that he had to wait there until after 1 PM (the train was supposed to arrive at 7.30 in the morning).
Today I've been doing some shopping in the local mall. I bought a really nice blue dress. Still didn't find a birthday present for mother, though. Hmm...

Now, I didn't write anything when I was in Grand Canyon, so I guess I'll just take this opportunity to say that it is an amazing place. I'll put some of the photos in my photo section.
Over all, I had a great stay in Phoenix. Really, the only bad thing was the extreme heat.
P took me all over the place, I met some really nice people, and I did _a lot_ of shopping. The prices are really good, so it's easy to get carried away. Like when I bought 15 cd:s in a store... ;-)

/Lotta

Lotta's mood-o-meter says:
8
better days

Mail me!
Back to Lotta's home
Tankar just nu/Thoughts right now - mine, and V's
Lotta in the limelight
I am currently reading..
Embarrasing photos :-)

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